The Importance of Lament
My daughter came to me today and said, “I need to tell you something.”
“Yes? Of course…what is it?” I said.
“I have sadness in me,” she said.
“What happened, sweetie?” I asked.
“Nothing happened, I just have sadness in me…all the time. Just like a part of me, even when I am happy, there is still the sadness.”
She’s about to turn eight, and so I’m thinking this is one of those epochal life shifting moments of growing up. Either that, or she just watched “Inside Out.” Turns out, both are true (which…by the way, if this isn’t one of the best movies for emotional integration!).
“You know what, I have sadness in me too, sweetie,” I said.
“But even when I am happy, I am also sad. Just like, it’s down in my leg. It’s a sad bone, and that’s where I store the sadness, in my sad bone. So one of my legs is happy and one is sad.” she said. (I love the sensational clarity of children!)
“I have a sadness storage, too, honey.”
“What do I do about it?”
Annnd…off we go.
That little bone in her leg doesn’t have much space in it. And so the sadness will spread into other places and caverns and spots if she always just stores it. There is plenty of space there right now because as she speaks to me about it, she is practicing the art of lament. Right now, she trusts me and has a very integrated honesty. But in time, it will grow more difficult. She’s already talked about how hard it is to tell her friends they make her sad or hurt her. “What if they won’t want to be my friend anymore?” And so alongside lament, she is also learning the pseudo-art of “stuffing.”
Raise a hand if you can relate.
In Prophetic Lament, Soong-Chan Rah points out that our American culture avoids lament because we have replaced it with triumphalism (make everything great, be best, be number one, have the greatest economy, and boast about it). “Healthy, Wealthy and Successful” have replaced “Harmonious, Contented, and Wise.” In the church, there is a bent on the victorious Christ, and triumphant Psalmody. We avoid Ecclesiastes, Lamentations, and especially Psalm 88…which hopelessly concludes with, ”darkness is my closest friend.” (If you’d like to check out my sermon on this, click here)
This one-sided focus has crippled us and caused a rift within our human populace and the sub culture of Christianity. In a sense, there is not enough space inside that little bone for all the sadness. Other cultures more readily embrace sadness as a necessary and even powerful part of life and harmony. You can still hire “wailers” for a funeral in Iran. In America, we tend to power through the sad stuff and hold “celebration of life” services instead.
Author April Yamasaki, in a review of Soong Chan Rah’s work, sites six reasons why we need lament:
Lament acknowledges the reality of suffering
Lament acknowledges the complexities of life
Lament corrects the overemphasis of triumphalism
Lament is an act of protest
Lament leads to petition and praise
Lament and praise go hand in hand
When I encourage people about appropriate practices of lament, a common response I hear goes something like, “Uggggh, enough already. I am around lament all day. My coworkers lament about work, my daughter laments about her friends all the time, and my partner laments about how I never ask them out on dates anymore!”
To be clear, there is a vast difference between LAMENTING and COMPLAINING. So it is helpful to have some resources about making sure we are actually practicing lament v. complaining or grumbling.
For some helpful ways to practice lament well, check out some of the options below:
Write a Psalm of lament. This is a very powerful practice. It especially works wonders in a small group setting where each shares their lament with the others. Here is a great resource for this. There is also a list of Psalms of lament for you to look at as examples.
Watch “Inside Out.” Ha ha. But for real, this is a great story about how joy and sadness are actually friends. Their integration is vital to moving healthily through the world. Other goos movies on this list are: “Of Gods and Men,” “The Mission,” and “Magnolia.”
Find good music, and have a listen session. Turn off the lights, pour some wine (or tea), light a candle, and listen, alone or with a friend. If with a friend, share your sensations. Some of my favs are:
Shostakovich, No. 5
Tchaikovsky, Violin Concerto, second movement
Bloch, Nigun
Joseph Achron, Hebrew Melody
Soundtrack from The Mission
And here are a couple of doozies suggested by Ace Edwards (of 91.9 WUOT Knoxville):
Tchaikovsky, Lonely Heart
Jean Sibelius, First Movement of the Violin Concerto
Keep a journal of lament. Like the Psalm writing, provide a similar outlet for you to express how you feel. Make sure the writings, like the Psalm, has a structure of lament and hope.
Find an Anam Cara (soul friend) to talk to regularly. Lay the boundary of a safe place to share, and…share. During this time, it is important it be a space for compassionate listening, and not a “gripe” or “vent” session. A triad is a great place to do this. Click here for more info on triads.
Practice Examen. For more on this, click here.
Meditate on good liturgical writings. When you find a good poem or prayer, create a tune to it, and make it your own. For example (you can listen to my tune to it below):
Prodigal Chant
We do not know your Mystery
Infinite Love
But we do know you have a heart
For you seek the prodigal son
And gently hold against your breast this troublesome child
Which is the groaning world of mortals.
We do not see your Radiant Face
O Love Most Blessed
But you do have eyes in humankind
For you weep through the oppressed
And look upon us to our souls with shining gaze
That reveals your tender forgiveness.
Note: When uncovering lament, it is important to accept that help in this process is highly important. Contact me for resources along these lines if you’d like to, including spiritual direction or counseling. Often, for many in our culture, seeking out counseling can seem less than “successful” or even “shameful.” Nothing is further from the truth. I personally am always seeking out men and women to be mentored and counseled by. Seeking out a professional therapist or spiritual director is very healthy and wise. And it leads to great pathways of healing and integration.
Peace be with you on your journey.